It’s that transitional time in life when one finds oneself so badly wedged in every way possible while trying to be a conventional human. No matter how operose things are – you do them; no matter where you go, no matter whichever door you are knocking – all you are getting is mere silence.

It’s that transitional time when one has to experience the nastiest of the pits of evil in human form. Friend, Love, Family, professional or no-professional contacts – you name any and you’ll find that everyone had been using/abusing you in one way or the other. Stalling time and playing with you, your emotion, your time, your dreams, your soul.

It’s that transitional time when you sleep alone, longing for someone to embrace you and hide you deep inside and you are safe from all nightmares but you wake up to the emptiness around and inside. You wake up with the lump in your throat waiting to suffocate you till death. Yet you have to live this life and for that, you carry your corps again and force yourself out of bed, put make-up on for the world to see your ever smiling and composed self and go on with your day – yet again.

It’s that transitional time when one starts circumventing all genuine friends due to the fear that they might judge you for going through never-ending transitions and/or hitches in life. Even after having some great true oldest, lifelong friends, you still feel alone. At times, you are surrounded by the most amazing people yet you can’t claim any of them. Even after being part of the crowd, you are alone.

It’s that transitional time when one avoids talking to oneself in fear of saying or imagining something that the universe might backfire. All your dreams, all your wishes, your thoughts – you are being told that they’ll all come true but you’re scared of even the mere thought that you’ll truly get everything that you have ever dreamed of. But till the time your dreams will come true, will you still be in that state of mind that those dreams have the same worth as they have at this very moment? It’s like you wish to be with someone and they stall, might be because of some legit reason – but they are stalling. You feel all the love, all the connection there but – they are stalling. Will you be at the same level after a year or two when they might be ready to be with you? Will that respect, that love be there from your end when they might need you while your soul has learned a long time back to go along with life without them?

The time when you are afraid of your own shadow. Petrified of your plans, your targets, your imaginations, your surroundings… – yourself.

A time when you look at anything and everything in hopes of finding even a bit of an answer as to what exactly is happening. When the ending of this so-called life seems a better way and seems like a hope.

A Hope – what a dramatic, delusional, incapacitated word for the tenuous ones.

Life is all about either something happening or not. It’s about the presence of will and efforts while one is lacking the power to truly materialize what one intends to achieve in life.

When one looks up and see only the people who weren’t supposed to be part of your life, laughing at you – mimicking the struggle you chose over being their slave. The struggle you chose over being the slave of “what people would say?”. They mimic your thought and your decision. They laugh at your loneliness. They laugh when you cry your heart out in the nights while bowed in front of the almighty. They gather up and stand behind you. They all try to reach out to you again and create an illusion that you feel more and more drained. They act to be your friends, your well-wisher – only to suck on to your positivity. 

It’s that time, when one eats on to one’s own soul – fearing it to be one’s own enemy. The time when you are afraid of your own shadow.

Could there be any end to this delusion? Could one get out of this torture and still be in this world as a “normal” human? Are ‘normal’ humans, normal even? What could be the criteria of being normal? Who is normal enough to define that?

What is normal? What are we? What is this life? Is this some sort of dream? How can we determine if this is real or life after death? Who can guarantee that this is already not life after death? How can one tell if she/he is not already serving the punishment or reward period? How can it be defined that this very moment is not a reward/punishment after death?

The uncertainties even after getting the clarity of one thing that you need, leading to another and then another and then another… It’s a limbo that one enters and never leave. It’s like you wish to leave the whole thing behind once and for all and live in solace for the remaining whatever existence you have.

This very existence idea itself is full of uncertainties that you can’t be sure if you actually leave this whole thing and enter another realm or whether this very moment is the only real thing. Again, more uncertainties.

It’s that time when you question your entire existence and you fear even a single word that you utter and which can be used in ways that you could never ever have imagined. You are afraid of mere emoticons sent in any e-conversation. You are scared of expressing your true self even to yourself. No matter what you are going through, it has to be you who needs to understand others’ situations. It has to be you to understand yourself and sympathize with yourself and others.

It’s that time when your silence is being used against you. The time when you are actually against everything or no matter what you are saying or doing, or no matter how nice and friendly you are – you always end up being the felon.

It’s the time when you can’t even be quiet and try to show people that this is the time that they need to reach out to you – but all they do is accuse you of staying quiet and expecting some love, care from them without asking. A time, when you are just not aligned with the universe and anything and everything tends to backfire one way or the other.

It’s that time when you’re not you while being completely you – uncertain.